Season 1
Who can lose the most weight? (1.1)
(Kenny takes laxatives to lose the most weight) "Here goes another half a pound"
Who can stay awake the longest? [1.2]
- Kenny: The only reason I'm kinda looking forward to it is I hear you actually can go crazy and hallucinate
- [After only 6 hours of being awake]
- Kenny: I, uh...I feel pretty good...pretty good... Spencer, umm...Spencer, how are you feeling?
- Spenny: How am I feeling? I've been up for 6 hours. I don't even want to be shot now. People are gonna wanna see me after I've been awake for 24 hours. This is ridiculous. I'm not even gonna be tired until 3 or 4 in the morning, so we're just wasting tape
- [Camera pans over to Kenny "sleeping"]
- Spenny: Very funny
- Kenny: This is like a dream competition for me. I drink as much coffee as I want and eventually I hallucinate
- Dr. Moldofsky: We're at the sleep disorders clinic at the Center for Sleep and Chronobiology with Spenny and Benny
- Kenny: Kenny
- Spenny: Kenny
- Dr. Moldofsky: [laughing] Kenny and Benny
- Kenny: You need some sleep
Who can stay blindfolded the longest? [1.9]
- [Kenny pretends to leave the house]
- Kenny: You want anything?
- Spenny: Yeah, don't come back.
- Kenny: I may be back, I may not. You may not know - when I'm here or when I'm a shadow. When I'm a ghost or when you're alone. You may never know again. You may never know...
Who can survive in the woods the longest?
Kenny: Thats a raspberry right there.
Kenny ( Eating the berry ): Fuck! It's bitter!
Who can win a series of mini-competitions? [1.11]
- Kenny: If it wasn't for spell check I would be legally retarded
- [Reaching in his pants]
- Kenny: Oh geeze god, where's a forklift when you need it?
- Kenny: Sorry Spenny, early to bed, early to catch the LSD.
Season 2
Who can drink more beer? [2.1]
- Kenny: If he dies from alcohol poisioning, it is a forfeit and I have won
:Kenny: Confucius say, "Person who go to bed with itchy tooshie, wake up with smelly finger"
:[To Goldfield]
- Kenny: How do I make my penis smaller? Because it's huge
:Spenny: No matter how much you wiggle and dance, the very last drop goes down your pants. That's a very famous saying, I believe written by Keith's. (LOL SOMEONE WROTE IT AS JOHN KEATS AS FIRST. WHAT AN IDIOT.....!!--- Spenny says "Keats" you moron thats why it's funny)
Who Has the Biggest Balls? [2.3]
- Kenny: Todays competition is who has the biggest balls. Now we're not talking literally because if I took off my pants you'd think I was Santa Claus.
- Spenny: I'm going for it man, I'll kill myself to beat you in this competition, I will!
- Kenny: Well if you kill yourself I win. Right?
- Spenny: We got to speak to the refs about that.
- Kenny: "Twilight in the Forbidden City"?
- Spenny: Don't fucking rip my book!
[Kenny chucks books at Spenny]
- Kenny: Be a man!
[Chucks another book
- Kenny: "The Key to the Garden come rain or shine"?
[After Spenny didn't jump]
- Donny: Do think Spenny would of done it?
- Jeff: I don't think he had the balls.
Who Do Old People Like More [2.4]
- Kenny: The competition this week is who do old, curmudgeon, old ladies like more.
- Spenny: Senior citizens, they're senior citizens. You will be a senior citizen one day, so you should treat them with respect.
- Kenny: Old people are easily threatened. I'm gonna get their grandkids tied up, and I'm gonna say "I'm gonna kill your grandkids if you don't pick me". I think it would be an easy win.
- Spenny: Sounds like a solid strategy Kenny.
- Spenny: I'm gonna show them I care, and I'm going to do this with what I cal the 4F Strategy. That's fitness, finance, family and fun.
- Kenny: Boring!
- Kenny: I got to be Jewish.
- [Looks in his underwear]
- Kenny: Oh my God, thank God, I already am!
- Kenny: [Singing] #Do you want me to pull down my trousers and show you I'm a Jew?
- Nicholas: Yes.
- Kenny: Well forget it!
- Kenny: My brother Lenny has been christened into Judaism. But there is one more thing, the circumcision.
- Nicholas: Oy vey!
- Kenny: They may be old, but they're still ladies.
- Kenny: I smell an Emmy. Lenny, I smell something, but it's not an Emmy.
- Kenny: Well, it's been a long day. I had a great time with the ladies, my mom and my down-syndromed little brother.
- Spenny: Your what? You don't have a down-syndromed brother.
- Kenny: Our cameraman knows who...
- Spenny: No, no, no. What? Your down-syndromed little brother? Who are you talking about?
- Kenny: Ladies, if you're still alive, I apologize for saying Lenny was my little brother. But, I would like to thank you again, I think you're all very sweet.
- Spenny: [In another room] SHIT!
- Kenny: Kenny loves you.
Who Can Dance the Longest? [2.5]
- Kenny: Spenny constantly tries to massage my rectal and genital area...
- Spenny: And scrotum.
- Kenny: Why do you agree with me?
- Spenny: He is trying to out...outhink me. And it won't work!
- [To Cheerleaders]
- Kenny:: Kenny is a great lover, he has a horse penis. It hurts our baginas and uh...something like that.
- Cheerleaders: (laughing) No, I don't think we can do that. Sorry.
- Kenny: Elephant penis?
- ...
- Kenny: Kenny is "it", he is so great. Um, we really love him, he makes our periods late.
- Cheerleaders: It's good, it rhymes. More things that are PG-13.
- Kenny: We want to fuck you?
- Cheerleaders: That's probably a no-go.
- ...
- Kenny: Kenny, you make us sweat.
- Cheerleader: You make us sweat.
- Kenny: You make our pom-poms really wet.
- Kenny: We love you, lets make a porno.
- Cheerleader: We love you, lets make friends.
- Bill (Spenny's Private Eye: I was down at the Grand Hotel. One of the guys registered there matches the description given.
- Spenny: That's him.
- Bill: He was registered under the name Hong Kong Phooey.
- Spenny: That's totally him.
First One to Talk Loses [2.6]
- Kenny: You can't use any words in the dictionary.
- Spenny: So then I could use the word Gruanckreepruck.
- Computer: Kenny my love, can you please backslash my colon? I'm sick of Spenny's floppy disk. I want you to download your hard drive into my pad. Please wear virus protection.
- Computer: Please put me back on your lap. I need to feel your manhood against my hot modem.
- Kenny through Computer: I did not bring you down here to show you my penis.
- Donny: Thank God.
- Kenny through Computer: [To Donny] I don't like you helping Spencer so much. This is Kenny vs. Spenny, not Kenny vs. Spenny and Donny.
- Bianca: Your so sweet, creepy, but sweet.
- [While Spenny is annoyed about his female cousin being with Kenny]
- Kenny through Computer: Do you have any condoms?
- Bianca (Spenny's Cousin): No, no. That's just going to make it worse.
- Computer: This is a story about a man, a man named Kenny. He is God Incarnate. He is physically and mentally equipped to control the Earth with his jizzrod. He is the greatest human being that ever lived. He is what all women desire and all men wish to be. He has a huge-sized elephant penis.
Who is Funnier? [2.7]
- Kenny: The reality is I am the funny guy, Spenny is the straight guy. And he is the second fucking banana, I am Tarzan, he is cheetah, I am Carson he is Ed Mc-fucking-second banana man. Okay?
- Spenny: No.
- Kenny: I am Ernie, he is Bert. I have seen do stand-up comedy.
- Spenny: He came to see me once and told everyone I was bad. My supposed best friend.
- Kenny: Yeh.
- Spenny: You don't even like stand-up comedy!
- Kenny: I told Spenny, theres one overall secret, that comedy is all about, one big rule, the broad stroke of comedy is...
- [Pause]
- Spenny: [From another room] WHAT THE FUCK!
- Kenny: ...timing.
- [On Kenny's Comedy Show]
- Kenny: Do you do more wee-wee in bed? Or more cocky in bed?
- Spenny: I want to thank you for having me on your lovely show, and how about a round of applause for Kenny, the brilliant, brilliant ca-ca, poo poo comedian he is.
- Senny: IF YOU THINK YOU GOING TO WIN, WITH THIS, YOUR OUT OF YOUR MIND!
- Kenny: Mr. Spencer Rice! Thank you for coming, and your mother thanks me for coming.
- [Singing along to the piano]
- Kenny: #Everyone, stare at you TV. Yes it's me, Ken-e-n-n-e Kenny-y. It's my time to shine and entertain the land. HOME CALIFORNIA! BABY, LIFE IS GRAND! Everyone, don't you know what you see, the greatest celebrity, for you and me! I'll kill your dog, I'll eat a frog, and I'll smell my log!
- Kenny: If Spenny wants to win all he has to do is pull down his pants, he'll have the whole audience laughing.
- [At the Comedy Club']
- Spenny: I'm a Jew.
- [Laughs]
- Spenny: Not a good Jew. I'm a bad Jew. I say that, because I'm not a conservative Jew, I'm not a... what's the other Jew.
- Crowd Member: Orthodox!
- Spenny: Orthodox. I'm not a Jews for Jesus. [Pause] I'm not having a good day.
- [Laughs]
- Spenny: I'm serious. I got a letter in the mail, from the Ministry of Health, saying someone I had unprotected sex with, has HIV. This could happen to anybody. I can't do this, sorry.
- Comedy Club Host: Let's hear it for the guy with aids! Spencer Rice, let's give him a round of applause.
- Comedian: Last week I had unprotected sex with him, it was fucking hot.
Who Can Sell More Bibles [2.9]
- Spenny: Usually you say bad jokes, insult my mother, and we discuss the competition.
- Kenny: The bible is a very sensitive issue, you don't want me to insult Christians, you don't want anyone to pipe bomb our house, and I won't start my own cult. He hates the bible, he hates God, he hates Jesus.
- Spenny: You're not respectful!
- Kenny: I am respectful, I work with a handicapped person [Points to Spenny], I have to be respectful.
- Spenny: It's very interesting. For one thing, I'm shocked you can read.
- Kenny: Holly Biblee, she sat next to me in Grade Eight.
- Donny: What about the bibles?
- Spenny: Fuck the bibles!
- Spenny: I got something to tell you, I'm not going to dance around it.
- Kenny: You're gay?
- [Bashing on Kenny's door which is held shut]
- Spenny: LET ME IN! YOU CAN'T DO THAT TO PEOPLE!
- Kenny: Who is it?
Season 3
Who can produce the most Semen? [3.07]
- Spenny: LET ME MASTURBATE ALONE! FUCK!
- Kenny: This time I'm making the rules! Cum rules: One, no children. Two, no homeless gentlemen. Three, no corpses animal or human. Four, you cannot masturbate me to make me cum.
- Spenny: People fuck animals, people fuck feet. I've never heard of anyone fucking meat. And I'm begging you the next time stick a fuckin' post-it note saying "fucked it" and I won't eat it.
- Kenny: I didn't fuck it.
- Spenny: You did fuck it.
- Kenny: Not really. I made love to it.
Who can stay in a haunted house the longest? [3.08]
- Spenny: You shut up for two seconds. This is not a Kenny versus Spenny competition this is a competition between good and evil and guess which one you are buddy!
- Kenny: Good?
- Spenny: NO EVIL!
Kenny: I can't wait to take a shit on a ghosts head!
Kenny: You fucking what! Lets fucking fuck with these fucking ghosts! I have to say fuck you Mr fucking Simpson and your dead fucking whore daughter! Fuck you bitch cause your gonna fucking suck my fucking live ass! I'm fucking alive you fucking bitches, and your dead. And you know what you fucking ghost fucking fuckers? I'm gonna ghostfuck you in the haunted toilet. That's what you're gonna get, you're gonna get me fucking your fucking souls! Ghost get angry when i do this *spits inside the house* in your fucking shithole mansion! THIS SHITHOLE SUCKS! *echo*. Do you think scared of you mother fucking ghos... Did you hear that? Spenny shakes his head.
Kenny in old clothes with a lamp: The horses are fed and watered sir, would you like me to retire you for the night? Spenny: What are you doing?! Kenny: Do you need help there sir? It's not my fault the donkey got away sir. I will return momentarily with your food sir. Spenny: Am i supposed to be scared *Kenny walks away* KENNY! Don't put on costumes it freaks me out!
Who can stay homeless the longest? [3.12]
- Spenny: When you realize that you'll have no responsibilities, you'll have no bills to pay, you won't have to bathe--which you do [sic] anyway--so you can stink, and everybody will stink, so you'll blend in with the crowd. You might actually enjoy it. That's actually a real concern of mine.
- Kenny: I'm gonna pay homeless people to rape Spenny, and it's gonna cost me a lot of money
- Spenny: You know what, even just referring to them as homeless people--they're all individuals
- Kenny: I'm sorry, you're right, I shouldn't refer to them as homeless. I should refer to them as stinky bums
- Kenny: To me, homeless people are like the birds. You know, they're free, they splash around, they wash themselves in fountains
- Spenny: Shh! I'm homeless!
- Kenny: Yeah, you're brainless.
- Spenny: Where's my shoe?!
- Kenny: A homeless guy took it.
- Spenny: If you don't give me my shoe, I'm going to urinate in your mouth!
Arm wrestling competition [3.13]
- Kenny: I'm a hemorrhoid because I'm on your ass, man. I'm fucking tailing you. And the more you scratch, the more you rub, the bigger I get, until eventually I'm gonna fucking pop all over your ass! Oh wait, no
Season 4
First guy to get a boner loses [4.1]
- Kenny: [To the mirror] Ooh! Yeah, you are fucking hot man! I fucking love you! Yeah, you fucking love me? I fucking love you. Do you love me? Well, let's go! You wanna go? OK!
- [Proceeds to make out with himself in the mirror]
- Kenny: I can't do this. I gotta stop, I'm getting a boner
- Kenny: You shaved your legs!
- Spenny: No I didn't, I clipped them
- Kenny: You clipped your leg hair!
- Spenny: Yes, I did
- Kenny: You're a fancy girl. You're very fancy. That's so beautiful. What gets you hard, lover?
- Spenny: What gets me hard? Usually, you know, masturbation or a woman--having some kind of sexual contact with a woman. I mean, this isn't rocket science
- Kenny: You love rockets, right?
- Spenny: Who me?
- Kenny: Yeah
- Spenny: I do like rockets
- Kenny: [thrusting] Like a big Mars lunar lander? Is that what you want?
- Spenny: I would like to go to outer space
- Kenny: You want to go to Uranus
- Spenny: I wouldn't mind going to Uranus
- Kenny: You wanna go to my anus?
- Spenny: No, I didn't say that--I said Uranus, which is a planet
- Kenny: If I have to, you know, pull my pants down and smear anchovy paste in my ass to give this guy a boner, I'm willing to do this because I'm going to fucking win
- Kenny: Alright, Spenny and I have decided that neither of us are going to get a boner, so the only thing left to do is have a bone-off. We both picked lap dancers for the other person. They are going to grind us--
- Spenny: Simultaneously
- Kenny: The first person to get a boner loses
- Kenny: Well, umm--
- Spenny: Did you get a redhead for me?
- Kenny: I couldn't find a redhead, but I did find...Hugo! Come on out for Spencer!
- Spenny: What? No! No! No! No! No! No!
- Kenny: We had an arrangement--we pick eachother's lap dancers!
- Spenny: Oh my god, Kenny!
- Kenny: You sit down!
- Spenny: No, I wanted a dancer--a female dancer!
- Kenny: No, you said we pick the other person's lap dancer, I picked Hugo. This is better for you, if this doesn't turn you on then you're going to win so sit the fuck down and let's do this. Right?
- Spenny: OK, this could be good. Let's go
- [Kenny won the competition]
- Kenny: I know everyone was thinking that what I was doing was stupid and you believed Spencer, but in the end it was my master plan and it totally worked
- Spenny: Can I make a statement? Out of the corner of my eye, I saw your girl, Jersey, and she had those boots on with the buckles--it was very erotic. It was a combination of that, and grinding of Hugo that was just, uh, caused, uh, you know, blood to flow in certain places. Now, I'm OK with it, I don't think there's anything wrong with it, and I don't think anything happened to me that wouldn't happen to the average heterosexual man
- Kenny: I do love him, even if he doesn't admit he loves me. But not in that way!
Who can blow the biggest fart? [4.2]
- Kenny: I've developed a system to psych out Spenny. It is called the F.A.R.T.: Flatulent Assisted Rectal Tubing. This is going to give me the biggest fart in the history of mankind
- [Inserting tube into anus]
- Kenny: Slower Spencer
- _____________________________________________________________________________________________________
- Spenny: Cant he just go up behind a huge cow and use its fart?
- Kenny: Your mom's at her cottage this weekend, Spenny
Who Can Be Tied to a Goat the Longest? [4.6]
- Kenny: You're obviously gonna lose. My goat likes me. We're happy. We have good comedic timing
- Kenny: What can I say, he fell for the old, uh, dead lamb tied to the other leg bit. Come on, he deserves to lose
- Kenny: Brush your bum, brush your bum, with Spenny's toothbrush!
- Spenny: when Kennys got is standing on the table: Get the goat down, we eat at that table!
- Kenny: It's a mountain goat, it like heights.
- Spenny: Theres symbolism in this, he has the black goat and i have the white goat.
- Kenny: Now your being racist.
- Spenny: NOW I WAS TALKING ABOUT COWBOYS!
- Kenny: trying to make his goat pee/poo on Spennys bed: Make pee pee, make kaka. Are you constipated? I'm very disappointed in you. *Kenny pees on spennys bed* See, that's the way you pee Pilgor!
- Pilgor: as a therapist: Spenny is obviously a serial killer. Is there any incidences you had as a child with Spenny?
- Kenny: Slumber parties, Spenny always held slumber parties, he tried to get me drunk but i found out early. Uhm, Doctor you're peeing on the carpet